New research undertaken by research scientists at Cambridge University has concluded that drinking copious amounts of alcohol in a non-specific order will definitely lead to a high level of drunkenness.

In a groundbreaking report funded by siphoning grants away from other critical research projects, the team of experts have at last proved that drinking wine before beer will not categorically lead to an altered state any worse than in the inverse order.

The trial consisted of plying a group of 90 volunteers aged between 19 and 40 with two and a half pints of lager and 4 large glasses of wine, with half drinking the wine first and the other half the beer. Observations made the next morning regarding the condition of the subjects concluded the following:

5% of all volunteers regardless of the order the alcohol was consumed were physically sick

22% of all volunteers seriously questioned where they were going with their lives

Nearly all those who took part in the study wanted a Greggs’ breakfast and to stay in their pyjamas all day binge-watching a Netflix series.