A man caught short at work needing to break personal protocol and use the company’s restroom facilities told yesterday of his anguish of having to remain seated in his chosen cubicle until he was sure he could leave without a colleague realising he had just pooed.

The long-standing employee yesterday bravely recounted the true horror of his ordeal “I’m usually as regular as clockwork, so to have to be forced to use a communal toilet was already going to be distressing” This turned out to be just the start of his torment. “On arrival, I could see that trap one was already occupied so the natural choice was to opt for trap three, leaving a clear cubicle between toilet users. Unfortunately, I was forced to use trap two due to the sheer devastation left behind from the previous occupant of trap three which I did not want to be associated with.”

After being compelled to vacate his colon in closer proximity to a colleague than originally intended, the already anxious worker took evasive action to disguise his use of the selected toilet. “As I was just a few feet away from a yet to be identified co-worker, I decided to conceal the actual act of defecation through a combination of flushing prior to evacuation so that the noise of the cistern filling up would masquerade any sound and a series of succinct and well-timed coughs” This plan appeared to achieve it’s original objective.

But on apparent final completion of Project Brown, there was still one obstacle to overcome. “For some reason unbeknown to me, it was absolutely imperative that I did not disclose to a fellow teammate that I had just pooed. As they had finished their assignment before me, I was forced to sit on the toilet and listen to their post-deposit activities, waiting for a definitive sign that they had left the restroom. The problem was that I did not know what that was”

The use of the hand-dryer would normally constitute a sound marker that there would soon be safe passage out from behind the door of trap two, yet reservations still remained. “What if they had finished using the hand-dryer but then took a few minutes to preen their hipster beard in the wash basin mirror? I needed something more definitive” After ten minutes of sheer hell, an opportunity to end the torture finally presented itself. “Out of nowhere I suddenly heard the faint squeaks of the main toilet door being opened and what appeared to be footsteps leading away from the utility block. Without hesitation, I burst out from trap two and completed my post-evacuation formalities with a huge sense of relief”

With the whole episode now consigned to history, this employee has taken formative steps to ensure it is not repeated “I have subsequently moderated the amount of fibre in my diet to keep my movements regular and have an emergency supply of Imodium in the top drawer of my desk. Unfortunately, the cataclysmic explosion that I observed in trap three is etched in to my retinas for eternity”