Proverbial know-it-all and all round busybody, US crime-writer Jessica Fletcher, was last night facing questioning from authorities after new profiling techniques scientifically matched Ms Fletcher’s weekend movements to the majority of murders committed on America’s West Coast.
In a statement issued by Cabot Cove chief of police, Sheriff Harry McGraw, the arrest has not come as a surprise “When was the last time Ms Fletcher didn’t spend a short break away attending a nephew’s wedding without a fresh cadaver washing up on the shores of a lake? Death has followed that woman around everywhere she’s been.” Sheriff McGraw also questioned the motive behind her overt keenness to assist local law enforcers. “She is an untrained amateur detective who apparently has a higher success rate of crime resolution than any of our highly skilled officers with extensive service periods. Her fame as a household name in crime writing has duped many investigation teams to allow her unrestricted access to crime scenes and evidence, providing her with the perfect opportunity to masquerade her acts of malevolence.”
Statistics recently released by the FBI have listed the 50 kilometre radius around Cabot Cove as having the highest homicide rate per capita than any other region on the planet. Sheriff McGraw cites the influx of investigative police work as the reason for allowing Ms Fletcher such unparalleled freedom to pending inquiries. “Before she moved here in 1984 we were dealing with the odd lost cat or boundary disputes between neighbours. Suddenly we had a multitude of unsolved cases stacking up, ranging from covert poisoning to death by severe head trauma. Of course we were not going to turn away any assistance; even if it was from a retired school teacher with an apparent taste for sticking her nose in to everyone’s business”
Many literary retailers were removing the back catalogue of Ms Fletcher’s crime fiction portfolio from their shelves as news of her arrest was made public. One fan was particularly distraught at her apparent demise “After year’s of avidly reading Jessica’s work, it turns out it is Murder, She Promote”