After failing to evolve for centuries or display any form of natural intelligence, the Wood Pigeon was last night fittingly crowned the most inept creature in all of the animal kingdom.
Not that this particular species of bird deserves a scientific Latin name, but the award to “Columba palumbus” has been universally received amongst both members of the genus and the competition alike. Lead campaigner and half-baked aviator “Woody” explained why this accolade meant so much to his breed “This has been decades in the making” he cooed. “For generations we have been perfecting the wide-eyed and vacant stare synonymous with our kind, pecking indiscriminately at anything that has been discarded on the floor, even when it’s completely obvious it isn’t edible. Cigarette butts are perfect for illustrating just how imbecilic we are”
Despite the aesthetic appearance and mannerisms of the Wood Pigeon perfectly complementing the notion that they have zero cognitive capacity, Woody went on to explain that their relationship with motorists is what he felt really helped them secure this award. “As transport in modern society has developed, it has brought with it the perfect opportunity to showcase our stupidity” he explained “Despite having the physical ability to take off and reach safe heights within a few beats of our wings, we will not think twice about darting haphazardly across a busy dual carriageway a few feet above the ground, invariably only to bounce off the bonnet of a Nissan Qashqai. The “poompf” sound that accompanies the collision between man-made object and beast is one of the most poetic in nature”.
The competition for the award next year is expected to be particularly intense, with the Squirrel camp predicted to make a significant play for the title. “We spent far too long on perfecting the skittish, nervous dynamic to make it seem that we don’t have a f*cking clue what we’re doing” lamented campaign organiser Tufty “I advise all squirrel brethren to champion our cause for the 2020 competition by darting indiscriminately in front of cyclists or bounding nonchalantly across rush-hour traffic in order to get to a tree not dissimilar to the one that they were just safely residing in”