An overtly competitive parent has been left to face remote judgement from the rest of his school-run peers after the questionable athletic performance of a Year One student at a Sports’ Day competition caused universal embarrassment.

The unnamed pupil had allegedly decided to selfishly just enjoy the event and reject the competitive indoctrination that had been coerced in to their Sports’ Day preparation. The irate parent last night explained the projected fallout from the self-centred adolescent act “How am I supposed to drop the boy off at his classroom tomorrow knowing that I face an avalanche of patronising comments from those parents who’s child actually won something? I can see it now. “Doesn’t he try hard? He never gives up, does he? It’s good that he’s academically sound”. There’s no way I can channel my own sporting shortcomings through my child if all he wants to do is twat about with his mates.”

The format of the Sports’ Day required every child to face a number of testing disciplines, each specifically tailored to make full use of the PE equipment remaining after severe educational budget cuts. The final event was an aged old rites of passage; a straight sixty metre sprint against their coequals.

The timetable of embarrassment for the parent started the moment the first bean bag was launched. “There’s a unquestionable indignity to be out-thrown by a girl wearing gold glittery trainers and sporting a cap with a unicorn horn protruding from the front.” With each passing event there was to be renewed suffering. “The hurdles were up to his ankles, yet he decided to stop in front of each one to assess each jump, he deserved disqualification for not weaving in between cones appropriately and that egg would have hatched if had been on his spoon any longer. I took half a days holiday to watch this crock”

Despite the dubious performance of the insubordinate pupil to this point, the opportunity for full redemption would always come with a solid display in the gladiatorial sprint to the finish line. “Our preparations for this event could not be faulted. I had marked out sixty metres over the park which turned out to be the exact distance between the two dog-poo bins. Our early evening practices each night were beginning to reap rewards; his split times were improving exponentially. He was equipped with all the coaching he needed to attain the plaudits I he craved. Keep your body upright, maintain a straight trajectory and keep running through the finish line. I didn’t deserve it to end like this”

After a solid start to the race, a careless look across the school field to see what his friends were up to caused the disaffected child to clip the heels of the competitor in front of him. Both athletes fell to the red hue asphalt and lay stricken for what seemed like an eternity. The parent lamented “The race was lost but there was still some dignity to obtain by getting to his feet and completing the course stoically and without snivelling” The humiliation soon followed “The other kid managed to get up first and jog resolutely over the finish line. Mine had to be escorted by a teaching assistant, with tears rolling down his face to the sound of sympathetic applause from the rest of the parents, all secretly glad it wasn’t their child chewing on gravel.”

The consequences of the Sports’ Day disgrace are thought to be far-reaching. The summer football camp subscription that the child did not want to attend has already been cancelled, the children with the most judgemental parents will not be invited to his 7th birthday party and he will now need to make his own way from the school gate to his classroom to minimise parental interaction. When attempting to reach the child in question to obtain their version of events, we were reliably informed that they were too busy to engage with us due to watching videos of cats freaking out to cucumbers on YouTube.